Just recently
I admit I did not lead a very happy life
Popping solidified colored concoction and then gulping huge mouthfuls of water seemed such a warped routine.
Made me sickeningly sick.
(Pun very much intended)

Just a fortnight ago
I paid two visits to the doctor.
First I refused to take medical leave for a mere flu and cough
So mommy asked me to go visit the Chinese physician
Which I was sort of reluctant to do so.
I did that day anyway and the physician said I’m very weak for my age..
I was then made to believe that there was something wrong with me when there really wasn’t anything wrong with me.
Which the lack of quality sleep probably boils down to troubled mind perhaps.
He gave me some tonic medicine and some medicine to ease sleep..
The prescription contained anything else tonic except to cure that flu and cough.
Did it really help me sleep better?
I cannot remember.

Dont misunderstand me.

If there's really a need for doctors, I'd still prefer the Chinese physician.

*****

The following week.
I was mentally prepared for that pain.
But definitely naught physical.
And it was never this bad.
Another visit off to the GP because this time round I could not stand up straight.
MC-ed and yes I did not feel the guilt for this round.
Visits to the clinics always proved devastating.
He asked a question that caught me very off guard.
He said something that revived a different hidden guilt within me.
And I am still disturbed today.
I hate doctors.

How many times do I need before I can see the fact that doctors do make me frail..

I have been eating a lot from the constant nagging.
All because of the doctors.
Yes you heard me, and I mean a lot.
For the past week

5 meals a day of which two eggs daily on top of my normal diet, milo and chocolate snacks to cure that stomach cramps.
If that wasn’t a lot for you thank you cos I piled on a wholesome 3 kg.
Mommy and dear still think I did not eat enough.
What can I do when I’m born with a yellow face..
The worst thing,

I am disgustingly nauseated when the scales go up.
Maybe I should stop eating altogether since nothing I eat can bring my blood back into me.
Aye maybe I will do that.

*****

Honestly I do not know how my take on sad life comes about.
I only know it makes me horribly sensitive towards my surroundings.
So much so sometimes on the verge of paranoia.
But most of the time intuitive.
I have learnt NOT to ask anymore seemingly stupid questions.
Since they wont go away, I can only jolly well keep them inside me..

Went to the gym few weeks back.
The person in charge seemed to be a Malay guy.
Those fair skinned mixed blood.
I vaguely remember seeing him previously..
Cos I haven’t been to the gym for donkey years.
And it did not help when I was always half blind at the gym.
As I was signing in, he surprised me
“You never come gym on Saturdays already ah”
Uh huh no.
It was a Sunday that day.
What do you expect me to say..
Dear said he could have mistaken me for someone else.
I wished but instinct told me it wasn’t.
I did not prove dear otherwise cos I would have crossed the paranoia line again.

Just last Saturday
Squeezed a gym session out before going to town.
As I was signing out, the same muscle bloke smiled at me again
“JUUNE thank you for coming today..”
…. …. ….
All the guys within hearing range turned to look at me.
I replied a polite thank you
And a GREAT muttered beneath.

I am tired you know.
Trying to maintain this discipline alone.
Yes alone.
It did not help much at all.
This motivation is damn hard to keep.
I thought this will be easier if there is someone..
Yes someone without me asking..

And you cant blame me for being so prideful for it.

I made it work well once.
This steadfast determination I’m dying to keep.
I’m a runaholic to everyone else around me, except me.
And no one sees the increasing sloth inside me.
I kept putting off the sessions.
It was three times per week in the past.
Then it was down to two.
Now I had problem trying to run at least once a week.
How cool is that..
It did not help when people around me keep telling me I jog too much when in fact I need more.
All these only add additional burden to my already weakened mind.

Balance

I seek thy..
In life family and ties.
Food aye
Well being aye.
But it eluded me.
The tonics seemed like some intruders into my innate understanding of basic health.
Upsetting my immune system in fact.
Family and ties.
I have no lucid solution for it.
And yes I have a penchant to run away from the knots of heart matters.

The dimensional expectations are driving me to close insanity.
Monochromatic blues..
I have lost control yet once again.

*****