The Insignificance and Vulnerability of Simplicity

Tuesday, January 31

The lousy rooster year is passe long ago, and I havent been publishing any entries..aww..finally! Had been bitching about many things..venting my frustration, tantrums, anger..and I seriously need anger management courses..and as compared to the past..there had been much more happiness..but..happiness brings with it fatigue..the higher you go..the harder you fall..it’s a pendulum..the only way to make the pendulum stop swinging..is to remain neutral at all times..is this possible? So no doubt..frustration felt..unhappiness parasited the happiness tat comes..

Just like what JS mentioned..he had been too concerned by what others think..and never for himself..me too..I was always like that..so we actually live for others and not ourselves..that’s saddening..well..I did try to please everyone around me..which, caused all the frustrations to my inner me..I cried a lot..I broke down a lot..sometimes, I tried to be aloof about things in self-defence..that explained all the frustrations of not offending people and trying to be good to myself..I almost went in severe depression..until the conversation with Priscilla brought some electric current into me..sometimes..the people that we do not see often would have more impact on us..I only see her once a year..and we only had a short conversation..that’s therapy good enough..

She asked why I frequently looked sad..as if something is always bothering me..why why..?

Suddenly..I’m at a loss..She touched a sensitive vein..Actually..I do not know what exactly is bothering me..I knew there was nothing in life to be happy about..similarly..there is nothing to be sad about..hmm..so I simply told her..I’m always pessimistic, trying not to have too high an expectation so that there wont be any chances of huge disappointment..she asked again..why? That's an impact..because instead of merely asking me not to think too much (which I hated it when people close said that to me), she tries to understand from my point of view..she asked me why..the “why” I have been asking myself repeatedly and upteenth dozen times..the “why” which left myself thinking why I kept on brooding on the unpleasant side of life..simply the "why" on my "whys"..I yearned for someone to feel as much as I do on life..to clique with me mentally..to make me realise that I had been too pessimistic long enough..and to bring me out of my weird pessimistic logic..=/

I told her about the unhappiness in work..about inefficient colleagues..the nice mask they put on in front of boss..frustrations at work..I told about my phobia for marriage..I told her about not upsetting my parents by giving up the things that I wanted to do at my age..

These are what she told me..

"If you are unhappy about your work place..if you find that there’s nothing much left to learn or that your organisation cannot go far..just find another better job..all organisations have their failings..just how you deal with them..this is just your first job..if you dont like it..simply..change it.."

I was afraid of the guy showing their true colors after marriage..taking their wives for granted..cannot stand their wives anymore once they “got” them..
“Aint girls like that too? This was human nature..it’s up to you to make it work..taking long breaks..going for a holiday together..get involve in each others’ interests..if you cannot find time for us, we’ll go out with our girlfriends..if you dump us, we’ll find another one..we can live without you..the world doesn’t just revolve around you..”

“If you feel that your life in unfulfilling, do something about it..dont just sit there..”

Hmmm..back to my delirum..because I saw it in her that whatever she told me about..she’s done it..she’s currently doing her own business..own sales, own purchases..own deliveries..such a strong willed person..it’s hard not to be influenced by her never-say-die spirit..she's been on rough patches with her previous bfs..and she has got over it..back to dating..she may not be totally right..but she’s willing to prove and learn from it..

I feel so much like a little girl at that point in time..=/

irony @

3:59 PM